Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize