Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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