the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
