i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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