Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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