My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
