I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
