I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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