i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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