He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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