do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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