I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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