She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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