I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
