My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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