well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
