I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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