Jerry, you need to find god
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
