So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
