I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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