call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
