I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
