You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
