So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
