So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
