so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
