I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
