dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
last night I used snow as a chaser
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
