Im at strip club and am horny
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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