when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
