this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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