My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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