OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you would pick up someone in the library
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
