it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
