I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize