i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
