just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
