FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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