you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
