just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
