We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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