mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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