I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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