We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We're too hungover to prance.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize