I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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