EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
