Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
