At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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