is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
