I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize