I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize