I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
