I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
