You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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