he puts the penis in happiness.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
