She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
